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Today I Hate

August 8, 2016

Woah now!  Hate?  That’s a pretty strong word.  Surely you don’t mean it.  Oh my stars, Terri, you aren’t that kind of person!  You are better than that.  Normally, you use mild terms such as “dislike” and “displeased with” and “disappointed in.” Today started off like a pretty mild-mannered, normal day, indeed.

What set me off today?  I don’t know. Is it PMS? Menopause?  A typical Monday afternoon?  Crappy diet (salami for lunch today)? Lack of Diet Coke (even though I’m pretty sure that craving has been kicked in the pants)? Too many questions about politics from my girls? Too many questions about things in general? The new school year creeping up? Who knows.

Here are a few things I know for sure.

1. My hair looks awful.  After several weeks of not having my foils done, it is looking terrible.  It not only looks drab in spots, but looks awfully bleached in others and on top of that looks thin and stringy.  In all attempts to try to find a “hip” hairstyle that might work for me without all the cost, I searched the drugstore aisle full of hair color.  Now I know that I was not going to actually buy one of those boxes that promise shiny, young-looking hair, because if I were to put those toxic chemicals on my head, I would be up at night itching my scalp for days on end before my sores finally healed.  Nice, isn’t it?  And my husband might not enjoy being kept up at night with my bitching and itching.

However, I did enjoy a picture of a woman with silvery hair and oh-so-subtle blue highlights on one of the haircolor boxes.  Actually, this woman with the silvery hair was selling two types of highlights: one subtle-blue, and one subtle-purple.  You, dear reader,  might make the standard joke about the old lady with the purple hair, but I’ve been trying it on in my imagination.

Too many back-to-back bad hair days have put me in a foul mood, and no amount of imagination is bringing me back from this one.

2.  Today I tried to create something online and went round and round and round (and round) with passwords and usernames until I almost puked right there in my coffee cup. I gave up.  I went to find The Book that I am supposed to (according to my very organized husband), keep my passwords in.  Couldn’t find it.  Nope.

3.  My daughter came to me with her useless Android tablet and asked if we could “fix” her email so she could finally access her Google Play.  I have been putting this off for months and months.  Why?  Because the last time I tried “fixing” this, the day ended up like this one.

4.  I am really so over all the political bullcrap this year.  And it is quite a pivotal year too, because my girls are finally understanding what this process is all about, but I find myself teaching them about how disgusting, barf-worthy, the political arena is right now instead of teaching them about our wonderful, God-given democratic system.

5. I do know that “this too shall pass.”  I just hope it passes before my husband gets home.  A few hours of finding multiple reasons to barf in my coffee cup that is leaving a ring on the table from this morning is quite enough for one day.

computer hate

I hate my imaginary hair.

 

 

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When Life Gets in the Way of Blogging

July 30, 2016

Today I was musing about menopause and growing older and retirement and Bobby’s work and money and raising soon-to-be teenagers, and work and the future and health and well you get the picture. I thought about starting a new blog but then remembered that I had this one.  After a few tries and a password reset, I was able to resurrect it and here I am!

Let’s catch up on what has happened over the last three years:

My Lyme is gone.  After the antibiotics (which were horrible, terrible, no-good-very-bad things) combined with a fantastic, gifted homeopathic physician who prescribed me a homeopathic medicine to “fix my gut” after the onslaught of antibiotics, and I am healthy and well.  Thank you, Lord.

After getting well, I felt the strong desire to do God’s will and I felt that was to teach.  I took on another religious ed class (this time 5th grade) and then took a part-time job teaching high school English online.  I LOVED this job!  I loved it so much that I transitioned to full-time teaching and did that for two years until I realized that it was way too much for me to try to do this AND homeschool and so I quit December 2015.  Actually, let me rephrase that:  *I* didn’t so much realize that it was too much stress for me, my body realized it and let me know loud and clear.Hives became a daily norm again.  Sleep was fleeting, and irritability at an all-time high.  After the Lyme experience, I like to think that I listen to my body a little more readily than I used to.

Today I am contemplating taking a new part-time job.  I have been hired (by a new organization) and am waiting on the details. It will be 15 hours a week and virtual teaching again.  Part of me is excited about this.  I do need to fund my horse habit (post about that coming up), but part of me wants to do something totally new and different.  Still praying about that one.  I know God will show me the way.

Be prepared for some posts about menopause.  This is the topic-du-jour for me lately. I am reading up on just about everything I can to understand this.  Hot flashes at night before my period have not been new to me over the last year or so, but hot flashes during the day out of nowhere definitely are new to me.  I can feel lots of blog posts about that coming up.  I’m learning about, and working out a way to turn this into something I can embrace and maybe enjoy (?), rather than an evil force to be contended with.  Stay tuned.

fire girl

Is this what hell feels like?

Bring in the New!

January 2, 2013

Wow, I hadn’t written since May!? I am so thankful that 2012 is over. What a year that was. Looking back, I can’t believe how sick I was. I am grateful for my healing. I’m grateful for Annika’s healing. That’s all I want in 2013: health for my whole family. Bobby and I began a 54-day novena to Our Lady last night and our sole intention is health for our family. You can read about it here.

2012 was super fun too. It wasn’t all sickness and despair. We got to see countries we’d never seen before, and experience things as a family that some only dream about. I’m blessed and I know it. God is so good. 2012 was a year of forgiveness. What a grace that is! Not only to be the forgiven; but to be the one to forgive is even better. I never truly understood this until now.

I have never liked making “resolutions” and very rarely did. I am too weak to say I will definitely do something. I don’t mind having goals though. Goals are good, as long as I don’t have a date attached.

Here are my goals for 2013:

* To be more concious of my girls’ school work and encourage them to do their best every day (this is all I can really ask for, right?)
* To continue praying with my husband, because I know that only good can come of that
* To keep on with my exercise routine and maybe try a 5K this year (note the maybe)
* To step outside of my own comfort zone and find more social outlets for the girls
* To simplify, simplify, simplify – this is my virtue of the year

One additional thing: my Saint of the year is St. Thomas Aquinas. I can’t figure out how learning about him fits in with my virtue of simplicity, but I’d like to try to learn something, even if I never get through the entire Summa Theologica.

Happy 2013! May it bring as many blessings to you and your family as I pray it does for us.

Brigid’s Voice

May 10, 2012

Please see my new blog where I’ll be posting some of my poetry. The new blog was inspired by St. Brigid of Ireland, one of the patron Saints of Poets.

brigidsvoice.wordpress.com

Waiting

May 8, 2012

Lately it seems that all I do is wait. I wait for test results, then I wait to talk to my doctor about those test results. Now I am waiting again to go for another blood draw today and this week will wait for Aunt Flo to arrive so that I can begin yet another round of testing. Thing is, the timing has to be precise this week otherwise we will have to cancel (or at least postpone) our trip to NY which is supposed to happen on the 17th. If I can’t get the testing done before this time we can’t go. Living by Lyme’s standards really sucks.

It may actually work out for the best though, because I’m also supposed to start 3 high-powered antibiotics when Aunt Flo arrives and I’ve been told to brace myself: the Herxheimer reaction can be pretty bad. I’m afraid of taking them since I haven’t even taken a mild antibiotic in 7 or more years. I also don’t really want to travel if I’m going to feel worse, but I do long for the mountains. I have an almost urgent sense of needing to be there. I just need to breathe the air, see the trees and feel the hard earth under my feet.

On a different note, but still related to waiting, today I didn’t accept an invitation from a friend to go to an outdoor place which really would have been nice for all of us. I’m not sure why. I am in major nesting mode (is it because of this illness?) and so I thought I’d spend some more time cleaning, de-cluttering and organizing. This is another thing I feel a sense of urgency about. I simply must get everything organized and cleaned. I feel so strongly about it that I decided that the way I wanted to spend my birthday on Saturday was doing no-holds-barred cleaning.

I should have gone out with my friends today because as I was wasting time on the computer and not cleaning or de-cluttering, I heard my 8 year old calling from upstairs, “Mommy! Help! Help! I’m stuck!” She was stuck in the bathroom. The door was not locked but the bolt was in place and would not budge. Thankfully we were all laughing and nobody panicked. I removed the doorknob, still nothing. I couldn’t take the door off the hinges because it is hinged from the inside. I tried prying with a screwdriver – nothing. When I used a bent hanger inside the bolt area pieces of metal just crumbled out and fell to the floor. I knew we were in trouble.

I called my husband who was in an important meeting an hour away and he did not answer. I called three times thinking that if he saw me trying so many times he just might answer. I also texted him. Nothing. Then I called my friend and asked her to call her husband and send him over. She couldn’t get hold of him either. My neighbor was not home. So we decided to all gather around the open hole where the doorknob once was and take turns looking at each other. This led to hysterical laughter. Then we passed bagel chips under the doorway and, finally, after about an hour, shoved a chapter book under the door for her to read. During this time my husband called and was able to come and save the day by hammering out the bolt. Thankfully he didn’t have to saw down the door or break it down Johnny-style.

Our priest gave such an awesome homily this weekend and one particular phrase is sticking with me:

Surrender to a life that is greater than your intention.

Wow. I can apply this to a lot of life situations can’t you?

I did not intend to get Lyme Disease. In fact, my intention was to remain as healthy as I have been all my life.
I did not intend for my daughter to get stuck in the bathroom, but we made the best of it and it was kind of funny. She thought it was an adventure
I did not intend to have to cancel our vacation but there must be a bigger reason why.
What I know is this: all the good intentions I have are pretty meaningless. No matter what it is that I intend for my life, or the life of my children could compare to what God wants for us. Time for me to surrender to that.

My Yellowish Tint

April 23, 2012

Since I’ve been sick and wondering what the cause might be, (which has been going on full-force since the fall), I have pondered what the lesson might be in it. I like to search for the bigger picture or the deeper meaning behind most things, especially things that change my life in one way or another. Bobby likes to take the wind out of my sails by saying things like, “Maybe there isn’t a lesson for you, maybe it’s just life, and one of life’s happenings.” So much for my deep thoughts and potential writing fodder.

Speaking of writing fodder, I’ve been thinking of getting back to writing for a long time now. I start a poem here or there but never end up finishing it. I see things in a more poetic way and feel so fulfilled and then promptly lose it after being called to clean dog poopie off of a shoe, or mop up a spilled mess in the kitchen. It’s hard trying to conjure the poetic muse while being a mom. I haven’t published any poetry since the 90s. Back then I did an experiment: I lived as “an eternal witness” – – as one of my poet mentors suggested. It was amazing, refreshing, and filled me with material. I am going to try doing that again, even if it is only for a glimpse here or there in small moments at a time. I’m ready to write again.

Perhaps it’s this illness that is prompting me. Or the fact that in only a few days I’ll be over the 45 year old mark. I didn’t enjoy turning 45 last year but now that I’m about to be 46, 45 seems eerily like it should have been something BIG – – an apex. It feels like now I’m heading down the mountain instead of up. Should I have received some big award or completed some terrific life-long task last year? I mean, was last year the apex of my life?

I’ve been thinking that this year I will start doing backward birthdays so instead of celebrating 46, I’ll celebrate 44. I like that. If you see me, wish me a Happy 44th Birthday. I like 44 much better the second time around. We’ll just skip right over 45 because I don’t think this year will be my apex either.

Today as I was reading Traveling With Pomegranates by Sue Monk Kidd (a book that you cannot come away from uninspired), I learned that Carl Jung believed that if you associate an image to emotions it can help calm you. I thought about my illness and how my body seems to be rebelling against itself and how not even food can sustain me right now. I wondered: how long can a person live on Pedialyte? And I worried and cried some (more) and wrung my hands. Then an image of my tomato plant from last year came to me. The tomato plant grew. It grew quite tall but it was thin. Its leaves were small and it had an overall yellowish tint to it. And it never bore fruit. Finally I had to pull it out of the ground and add it to the compost pile. This is how I am living right now. I’m tall and thin. A little yellowish. I am not bearing fruit. Will I turn into compost?

I’m not sure how that image is supposed to help me. Maybe it will show up in a poem someday.

Why Cook Dinner When Ya Can’t Eat?

April 20, 2012

Seems I think about blogging right around the time I should be thinking about creating something edible for my family to eat for dinner. But, hey, since I’m on a 24 hour clear liquid fast and since I’ve only been eating 5 foods for the last nearly-three-months, food (and cooking it) seems rather unimportant to me.

Want to know what I was able to tolerate before this week? Okay. I’ll tell you.
plain hamburger
gluten-free bagels
Applegate no-nitrate turkey bacon
Cape Cod Original potato chips
blueberries

Want to know what I can eat now?
Pedialyte
Chicken broth

Today I weigh less than I weighed when I met Bobby, and I was pretty small back then. I blame the smallness on my family genetics and on my cigarette habit back then. Since becoming a mom though I’ve done a good job at maintaining a healthy weight. Until now.

I know, I know all you people who are constantly wanting to lose x many pounds are wondering how this can be upsetting me. It’s upsetting because my body is wasting away and food is not nourishing me right now. Yikes! Think of the long-term effects of THAT.

This isn’t too bad though. I guess it’s better than breaking out in severe hives after every meal like what had been happening since January. Thank the Lord I have a really good doctor who is working with me to get to the bottom of this. Lyme Disease may be the culprit. Other intestinal things that I don’t even want to name are a good possibility – probably both. And I am happy that there is a medication that I can take before I eat to make things at least a little bit better.

So this is the week that I started cancelling everything. I am officially saying “No!” to any and all extras. I’m looking forward to the summer when all we’ll do is school and swim during the day. My evaluations I am limiting to 1 evening a week so that I am not running out of the house every night and every Saturday like I did last summer. My teaching will continue since that I can do from home (thank you again God) and it is relatively stress-free.

I did want to post about the last tooth fairy visit to our home, and the cool relics I found in my grandmother’s old things a few weeks ago (and the most ADORABLE “relic” Kate made of her dog Abby who went to a new home a few weeks ago) but I will save those for another day. Couldn’t help but get this “complaining” out. Next time the post will be better. I have so much I want to write about the girls who get more interesting and fun to be with every day. And I know they’re more interesting to read about too!